the year is coming to an end soon and i always reflect on what happen. and how to prevent the not-so-nice things from happening smth like that. not the 31st of dec yet, but still, there's no specific time for you to stop and think right.
actually, ive another private blog, and there are all those really emo entries. when i got real sad and i just dont know how to tell someone. does anyone feel that same before? that you've so much to say but somehow, maybe it is so deep down in your heart that you just dont know how to say it out. i wonder if i should not keep it private anymore. i dont know, should there always be this small part of me which i dont reveal to anyone else, or is this just an attempt to like maintain the impression people have about me. i realise most of the times, when i get emo, a lot of people cant accept it. i dont think of myself as a happy-go-lucky person, in fact, i always get really emotional often.
i kept wondering if this is the real me. but i think throughout all these years, ive changed so much that i really dont remember what is the real me. i remember that when i was in psch, i wasnt like that. i wouldnt do those stupid and lame things, i wouldnt broadcast to the whole world who the hell is my eyecandy, i dont whine when things dont go my way. i dont sit down there and start crying for whatever minor or major incident. since when was it that i started having so many tears, and wasting them over some people who definitely are not deserving of them.
i couldnt agree more that we all change, and most of the times, we're all forced by circumstances. i used to be you know, someone whereby every bad things come and go. those 'come and go' kind of mood when i can cry and next time, its like nothing has happened. i must say that actually no, when smth happens, i rarely forget it. but the next day, i'll act like nothing has happened. i seriously dont know why i must act you know. prob just not to worry people, or make them feel uneasy because im seldom emo infront of people. but i dont like to pretend, its really v tiring to be someone you're not, to be happy when ur sad. i guess i never really quite understand the meaning of friends in the past. not just someone you can have fun with, but also someone you can cry with.
and i guess i did try to change now. 'cause whether you like it or not, but well i dont like to be happy everyday. i want to be able to throw my tantrum when im really angry, and really just be me instead of living under the image that everyone else has shaped for me. and i really think i feel so much more free now. and now that i still seldom get angry/sad, its not 'cause im trying to hide them, but really 'cause there's nth much i can be sad about.
to the one thousand and one people who really felt that i've wonderful socialising skills and somehow has so many friends everywhere and that i just seem to be able to know everyone and talk to everyone, i really have to say that actually thats not what i am previously. and thats not what i am now too. i hate ice-breaking sessions, and i get really nervous everytime ive to go up and introduce myself and know new friends but i always put on this tough front like im oh so brave. definitely not so. i dont know why, but i always feel the need to be surrounded by people, the need to feel loved and treasured. like you know, when you get onto msn, there're only usually some people you can talk alot to right, and when some days these some people arent online, you'll have like no conversations that day right. i just cant stand it, i need to talk to someone, to feel like someone is willing to talk to me. and of cos, some people are really nice, they dont say anything even if they arent willing. so sometimes, i dont even realise that they arent really willing or rather, i dont even know. until i realise that actually, all along, ive always been initiating the conversations and they've never before. never, and from how they can initiate conversations with others, you just know it. that friendship definitely takes more time than this to be strong.
i always give it too little time, i realise. for example, prob a month and i thought we were really close. or maybe its just me, and that others all felt that even years cant make a friendship strong. but i all along felt that time cant determine the strength of any relationship, maybe true, but still, too short a time cant say anything about the friendship.
i realise ive to start to learn how to live for myself. to stop hiding behind the image everyone has of me, to not cry over some people who are not worth it. and the worst thing is they never know that you're wasting ur tears over them. to really know how to stand up and make real decisions. and b'cause i really care about what people think of me so much, i really should care about what i think of myself now.
this year has passed, ive grown a year older, and i really hope its a year better. as we grow up, we really get to know how to treat ourselves better. how to change to be a better person. this year has taught me alot as always, and when i look back, im grateful for all that has happened, 'cause the bad incidents have taught me how to be stronger and braver, and the happy stories have never failed to make me smile. and all these will stay as permanent evidence that ive gone through so much and grow up (:
but im so glad that there're still so many more years for me to really grow and become a better person. and to those who've stood by me all along and watch me grow, thanks a million. im thankful that in my past, present and future, there is always you :D
