How vague, I'll never know.
I shouldn't have sneaked online to use the computer. Sorry, weekend policy must really start to hold soon, no, I mean right now, immediately. Seeing how my classmates mug and stuff, I really felt like I'm freaking hell wasting all my time away. And then turning around, complaining to another gang of people that I've no time for everything. I could have, but I just refused to use it wisely. So, I shouldn't be blogging right now right? But I figured out that since I'm online, I might as well blog now so that I'll have no excuse to come online again at night :P
First, happy birthday to all these awesome people:
Alan Lee, Qin Tianhe, Wong Jiaomei - 29th July.
Masu Monyi - 30th July
Sharifah Saniah (...) Aljunied - 31st July.
I actually did not mention Alan nor commemorate that day on my blog nor my personal diary. WOW after like 6, 7 years? Haha, does it prove that I'm over it or mugging just deprived me of time for other things? But oh well, I was over it long ago seriously.
On a side note, I have to mention this. I recently love this song a lot. Invisible by Taylor Swift.
I just wanna show you
She don't even know you
She's never gonna love you like I want to
And you just see right through me
If you only knew me
We can be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable, instead of just invisible.
Okay, that wasn't the whole point I was trying to make. In fact, it's a contradiction to what I want to say.
From here onwards, this is going to sound vague. And if you think I'm referring to you, then think again. Almost impossible to be you, because I don't think the person I'm referring to ever comes this anymore. And warning, long post ahead I think. Stop reading here if necessary.
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Was just happening to read your past entries and realise that everytime there's this vague portion where no names are mentioned, it never seems to refer to me. Things that sound like 'Aww you care so much' but then somehow, nothing, not a single part of it feels like it's ever meant for me. Because when you just shed a tear, complain a little, people are all waiting to comfort you. Maybe you'll never know this, because you've stopped coming here. Just read through the past entries yourself, how many times am I mentioned inside. Insignificant, compared to one thousand other times you mention them. This is vague too, 'cause I'm not mentioning any names, so even if you happen to see this, you probably might never know it's you.
It takes a huge amount of courage to just drop a sms and say hi. Infinite number of times, contemplated settling things all at a go. But then, stopped when I wanted to say it. It's not as easy as you think, or maybe you thought it's hard too. That's why we're leaving things as it is, not caring and not bothering, hoping that time will erase all memories. But it's not possible, totally. It did started off fine, I really felt it, and I still believe you do too. Then there was this blank, and we seem to have disappeared from each other's lives. Which wasn't what I wanted. I meant every single word when I said " I don't want to be just part of a memory". Oh freak, is this getting obvious? Although the feeling isn't as strong now, but I still want you back. Alright fine, I admit I won't do everything to get you back, but I definitely won't do nothing to get you back.
One day, we will have to resolve this. I know it takes immerse amount of strength on my part, probably yours too. But it hurts more to leave things as it is. There's this gloomy feeling everytime I see you, hear about you. Which definitely isn't supposed to be the case. I remember Aubrey said this to me before: " If they are your favourite seniors, they're supposed to make you happy, not sad." She's referring to YLW then, but this whole thing applies too. You're my favourite person, and the thought of you is never supposed to make me tear. Don't say things like "At least we've wonderful memories before". No at least, it can't just stop there. There're so many more years to go, we should continue to create awesome memories. No things like "It's not like I can't survive without you". I can of course, but it hurts to luh seriously. The mere fact that you share my lowest and highest moments makes it hard for me to forget. And then, there're so much more too. If you haven't hurt me that much, I'd probably never realise how important you're to me.
When there's this day I can finally take down my mask to face you, and let you know how much you truly meant to me, how much I want you back, it'd be awesome. When that day comes, I'd be able to stop lying about how much I don't really care and bother about you, because I do, a lot. Maybe it's not like everytime I get so bothered, but you'll never know how bothered I get when it happens.
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Okay, end of emoing. Back to mugging.
